The Lousypoet

It’s been two months since I last posted here. Time really does fly when you’re having…. fun? Yes, I think time flies when you’re stressed, crashing from deadline to deadline, and generally feeling like life is spinning out of control. Fun has so very little to do with the flight of time.

Just as I haven’t graced this blog with words, nor have I written a single page of my book. In fact, I’m just mothballing this whole author thing. I so would like to be a writer, but desire is truly not enough. Along the line, you have to give yourself to a project to see it through to an end. I haven’t done that. I sit and waste my writing time playing Bejewelled on Facebook, or trolling the net’s myriad of movie websites. If I’m honest with myself, I have dreams, but neither the drive nor the talent to currently pursue them. I think if I was really honest with myself, I’d have a better shot at completing a kids’ book than a full blown novel. We’ll see what the new year brings.

So I’m fairly convince God hates me. I know, it’s a stretch of the ego to believe that the great divine has a personal vendetta, but the evidence just seems to keep piling up. Check this out, my car died on Christmas day!! Christmas day! So yesterday, we find out it’s going to cost $1200 plus to fix it. This car is old, and the bills just keep piling up. So, we make the best decision, it’s scrap. But I have to get a move on to decide on a new car cause our family needs two vehicles when Carolyn goes back to school, and all the incentive programs on right now are over come Saturday. So I decide I need to get out and check out cars last night, cause I haven’t car shopped in a decade! And guess what… White out, blizzards! Yup, even one of the dealers couldn’t argue when I said God hates me.

Speaking of cars, it’s an odd thing now. I remember when I last purchased a car, you could add various features and leave others out. Now, it seems like an all or nothing scenario. It’s like, you can have the package where everything is manual, or the option where everything is automatic, there is air, a USB port for your MP3 player, oh, and while we’re at it, let’s throw in heated seats! Now, cars have evidently gone down in price, cause 10 years ago, all those options were only available on a vehicle that would cost you $30,000 or more! Now, it’s all there on baseline models! It’s a little scary. Truth be told, carrying car payments is going to be scary. On most days, we just get by. Which will mean me pimping myself out for overtime as much as they call, which will make me tired, grumpy, and probably create some mean hate for my workplace. But, if it means we get some wheels we can count on, I suppose that’s what we’ll have to do. The boys’ pediatrician is in Brampton, an hour or so away, and so is a large portion of our family. We need something safe, and we need something with a warranty! Right now, I’m leaning towards a Kia Rio. It looks reasonable, and the warranty they have smokes everyone else. I think I might take it out for a test drive today. We’ll see how the day progresses.

So I’ve been off my diet since September. Initially, when my dad died, I just couldn’t help myself. I’ve found out that I am an emotional eater, and losing my dad was just too much for my will power. But now, it’s habit, and I’ve gone up 10 pounds. I’m starting to have the same issues as when I first started the diet, so I need to get back on track. This year, I am getting to my target of 195 and doing some exercise! I need to be healthy and strong, if only so I can keep up with my kids!

The year’s end quickly approaches. I will not miss 2009. As much as it brought opportunities, it kicked us in the balls twice as much just to keep us a notch beneath grounded. I knew when the year started with me in the hospital getting my appendix out that it wasn’t a good sign, and I was right. Hopefully, 2010 will bring more joy than 2009 managed. This is a year of new starts, of closing old chapters and starting new stories. Already, I see it won’t be easy, but it is doable. I really hope to be here more often, maybe even do something interesting that someone might want to read. Until then, a very Happy New Year, and all the best for 2010.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been here. It feels like I’ve been moving so fast, that I don’t even know how much time has gone by. I suppose it’s a good thing that the entries are dated. From that little bit of info, it would be 27 days since I last logged in and wrote anything.

Truth be told, that’s probably the last time I wrote anything of my novel. I was stuck for the longest time. Then, in a matter of days, I wrote a chapter that I felt was the best so far, but it also meant that significant changes would have to be made to the opening. I don’t think that has me crushed. I mean, I always knew I would have to go back and rewrite those sections, and what it did to the story makes it more… compelling? It’s just now I’m stuck again, and moving at the speed I am, I can’t get my head wrapped around it. When I get the time I could be devoting to the book, I instead sit and waste my life playing Bejewelled Blitz on Facebook. Every day I feel more like a loser.

Carolyn is working so hard at school, and some of the stuff she has produced has been amazing. But it seems every day the stress of it threatens to swallow her whole. It’s hard returning to that kind of life after so long. But at the same time, I am so proud of what she has accomplished and how far she has come. If we can just get through this term and the 3 that follow it, I have a strong feeling that this is going to open some incredible doors. Which is probably why I feel the way I do. I’m watching her fulfill what seems like her destiny. It seems all I can do is stall mine. And the worst part of that is it is entirely my fault. I do have time, I could be doing something more, but I just don’t.

Imagine my disappointment that Anne Rice has a new series entitled “Songs of the Seraphim.” I have been sitting on that title for so damn long. I knew it would be good. And now I see it in print. Don’t worry Ms Rice, I know you don’t know me and that my insignificant blog would have never come to your attention. No law suit worries here… Still, disappointed. I’ll have to come up with something entirely different. Ironically, the first book in the series, entitled Angel Time, sounds pretty cool. I might actually read it.

Which brings me to the horror that if I don’t move on this story, how long will it be until someone else uses ideas that will render my story as being a knock-off. Every day I wait is each day my ideas become stale and that some existing author is going to use similar ideas. Problem being, I just don’t feel good enough to write this. I have vague notions of how I want the story to be, but I really lack the training to make it happen. I’ve looked to see if there’s any workshops in my area, but I can’t really find anything. Not that it matters, I wouldn’t have the money for it.

I lost my dad to cancer almost two months ago. God, that’s a weird thing to type. At the time, I had no idea what to say. I thought a million times about writing about it here; writing about him. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It took me nearly a week to finally cry, and I think the tears have only come once more since then. Sometimes I feel horrible, like this should be killing me every day, but then how would I take care of my family that needs me. It hurts most when something happens and I realise he’s not there to talk to. Like sitting here right now, writing this, I feel like there’s million conversations I’d like to have with him, and I can feel the tears welling behind my eyes. I’ve never been one to believe in ghosts, or visitations from beyond the grave. But a part of me continues to hope I’ll see him. And I keep hoping that when that happens he’ll have some insight into my life that I’ve failed to notice. Yup, here come the tears… I’m not going to write a eulogy here. I wouldn’t feel like anything I wrote came close to encompassing my emotions or thoughts. All I’m going to say is that I loved him and I wish he were here. I suppose that’s enough.

Shit, I don’t know where that came from. I just feel like I’m unloading a bit. I don’t know where I’m going. I feel like my wheels are spinning and I’m driving without a destination.

So many ghosts haunt me. Not the literal kind, but, well, the deeds, the thoughts, those things you hope will die with time but never do. Sometimes their weight is crushing. Sometimes I think I won’t make it. But every morning I get up and do what I can to get through the day with my sanity and family intact. Why do we sin the way we do? Are we worthy of redemption? If an angel stood before me now and said I had a purpose, and that all of this was for good reason, just what would I say to him? Thank you… probably. Just for the comfort that it all means something.

Sorry for this post. It’s all over the place, and none of those places are much fun. But I do feel better. I suppose I should come here more often. It is my space after all. Besides, it’s not like anyone even reads this stuff. But if you happen to be the one in 6 billion who does, thanks. I hope I haven’t bored you to tears.

So I was reading Twitter entries, and one mentioned that MS Word had functions that would assess your writing level, ease of writing and would also check for passive voice. I decided to run this on the sections of SotS that I’ve written so far, and was not too surprised to find several instances of passive voice. So I fixed it. And funny enough, it felt empowering. It also seems I write in a fairly accessible form, as I scored better than 78% on the ease of readability scale. It also says that I’m writing at a level that should be easily understood by kids in grade 5. That would be about the age of 10. It’s a little low for the demographic I’m aiming at, but I don’t think that’s completely a bad thing. Besides, this is only the first draft.

I’ve never understood the word ‘procrastination.’ I failed to see how anyone could be ‘pro’ for anything so damaging and self defeating. Thanks to dictionary.com, I’m now aware that pro is Latin for forward, and that the rest of the word translates roughly into tomorrow. So, forward until tomorrow. Or in many people’s cases, next week.

I mention this, cause it seems to be exactly what I’m doing with my book. I sit here at the computer and instead of writing, I do damn near anything but. Last night I managed to do a very rough layout of the scenes within the book. So far, I’m at 40 scenes. If I made each scene 1,500 words, I would be at the magic number of 60,000, which is roughly the size of the average YA novel. Oddly though, I find I’m just being very slow on the uptake. I think I’m afraid to go to the places I have planned, because although I know the destination, I’ve yet to work out the itinerary for when I arrive. I suppose that frightens me, especially when all has been flowing pretty easily. At the moment I’ve written 10,156 words and 36 pages. I’ve also worked out a new title (though it does incorporate my working title in a sense). Anyway, I’ll wait to see what the book is ultimately called. For sake of continuity, I’ll continue to refer to it as Song of the Seraphim or SotS. In the end, I suppose a title selection will involve any agents or potential publishers.

It does surprise me how opening myself up to the story is seeing it go places I never really anticipated. Typing out the outline last night, I was really surprised at how it just seemed to flow. There’s a ton of gaps, but I’m hoping those things will open themselves to even more scenes and just to help further the story and develop the characters. I think that now I have my overall plot, I need to start working scene to scene. My initial scenes are written, though I know I’ll be rewriting them when the time comes. For now, I think I just need to keep plunging ahead.

I can’t help but feel some pains of jealousy when I read about authors and their various trips to conventions, then hopping planes to other locations for a trip, then moving on to even more locations for signings. I suppose it would be tough on a family, maybe one day I’ll be cursed (yeah, right) with the burden of figuring it out for myself.

Anyway, just another inane entry. I just thought I would update on the novel progress so far. Hopefully next time will show even more progress.

Twitter can often be a goldmine of inspiration and informative links. One I saw this morning was from author Denise Robbins. She posted the link initially on her Twitter account.

The article on her website is about Publishing terms every writer should know. Whether you’re at the stage where you can seek to get your book published, or hope to some time in the future, knowing these terms could prove extremely useful in your endeavors. Just thought I’d pass it along

So after much thought and consideration, I have finally put some words to paper and have hammered out the first chapter of Song of the Seraphim! It’s not brilliant literature by any means, but it exists, and I’m excited by what I know is to come. And best of all, the things I envisioned in that first chapter actually happened and blended quite well together! The turning point was a dream I had two nights ago. Funny enough, I knew what most of chapter one was going to be. The only thing that was stopping me was that I was stumped about how I was going to move my main character from point A to point B. I also wondered just what event would bring my main character into contact with my secondary lead. The book will see the two of them traveling together, so how they were going to meet was a pretty critical point. I really wanted it to be a moment of impact, and a time that would establish my secondary character as a person of strength and determination. I just couldn’t come up with a few key points. Then, I had this dream. It didn’t fit specifically into the story, but in its core elements I found all the answers I had been looking for. Ironically, I didn’t actually get to that part with the writing yesterday, but I have a pretty solid idea. I also have a pretty solid idea of the main scene that will occur after my dream inspired moment. My only challenge will be connecting the two.

What is funny is that I had initially had an idea of the world I was going to be setting this in. I thought I had most of it figured out. Then I had this dream, and by incorporating its elements into the story, it took my initial ideas and twisted them ever so slightly. I now have ideas that I think are even better than my first! This is exciting. I’ve read a number of times where authors state how the story guides them and how ideas they had initially evolved because of how the story was guiding things. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced this before, but I have now! There is something thrilling about discovery in writing. Now I need to channel that energy and enthusiasm and keep things up. My problem, I know, is that I’m going to stall after my next two scenes, because I haven’t formed a clear idea of where that is going.

I think in the grand scheme of writing, what I need to do is, instead of writing a full on Novel Blueprint, I should just write out the next few steps, write the story to that point, and then plot the next chapter or so, and so on. I think if I truly sit and do nothing but try and write a complete blueprint before I start the actual story, I never will write the story. Besides, as I said, it seems to me that much of this story is waiting to be told, and the more I force it, the more it will resist me. I think I really need to just take the journey and see what happens.

The final thought I’m going to write here about my current project, is that I’m learning to for give myself. I’ve always been a harsh critic of myself, and I’ve always had a tendency to stop being productive because I thought what I was doing was sub-par. I realise, especially after following a number of established, and aspiring authors, on Twitter, that rarely does anyone put brilliance on paper the first time around. I’m sure far more experienced authors do far fewer revisions because their style is established, but none the less, I take comfort that my first faltering steps are in good company. I agonised the last time I had to write my first line, but this time I just let it go. Right now, I think it’s more important to run with the story, and then go clean up the mess afterward. I’m thinking writing a book for me is going to be very much like painting.

So I turn 35 today. I suppose it’s kind of a milestone. If I live to be 70, I’m officially at the mid point of my life. However, with my diet in full swing and I’m now doing exercise, I’m hoping that I still have a few more years until I can say that.

I go for my weigh in today at Dr. Poon’s clinic in Richmond Hill. I admit, I cheated a bit this past two weeks. I’ve tried to be good, and admittedly most of the cheating happened right at the start of the two week period, so hopefully my results won’t be too disappointing. Carolyn’s been really good, but she hasn’t shed the pounds this past two weeks that she did in the first. She’s pretty bummed and afraid she’ll get kicked off the program because she hasn’t lost as much weight. But like I told her, as long as you’re still losing and keeping it off, then the diet is working. We’ll see how today goes. I admit fully that I will cheat tonight as it is my birthday and my eldest son has put in a specific request for dinner, that I’m sure will see me cheating. But I’ll be back in full swing tomorrow.

In regards to the diet, Carolyn has been making some amazing food! It’s been such a pleasure to eat home cooked meals that taste really great and are a complete change from what we used to eat. Whether I lose a ton of weight in a hurry or it takes time, I am feeling better. I feel like my system is running more smoothly. My asthma has improved so much, that I can take flights of stairs several at a time without so much as a shudder. Previous to the diet, I did one flight of stairs and was puffing. The doctor says this might be the exclusion of dairy, which is news to me. Funny seeing as how I’ve been battling asthma all my life, and no one ever mentioned I should consider cutting out dairy! One of the creative things Carolyn has been doing is with paddies. Last night, she made some chicken/pork paddies that had a real Mediterranean flair. As well, we did some beef paddies that tasted like Italian meatballs! These things eaten with salad make for a great meal. It also means that I get to contribute by using the barbecue, so it’s a group effort!

For a workout, I’ve started using the Wii program My Fitness Trainer. For me, it’s been a great program so far. It takes all your measurements and creates a custom workout based on your desires of losing weight or toning certain areas. There’s apparently 450 or so exercises, so I think there’s lots to keep me going. I haven’t even purchased any hand weights or any other exercise equipment, so I know that I will continue to be challenged for a while. But I will say, I hurt in places I haven’t known in a long time. But I also feel a but firmer in places that have been flabby for probably even longer!

I haven’t sat down to write any of the my proposed novel. I’ve been giving it a hell of a lot of thought, and made some notes, but I haven’t found myself with any concentrated time to sit and start writing. I’m thinking that will be the greatest challenge. Though I suppose I could be writing that instead of this blog post, but sometimes you’ve just gotta blog.

Anyway, that’s it for this morning. I’ll be getting back here to let you know how the weigh in went. Based on my home scale, it doesn’t look like I’ve lost that much weight. We’ll see. I fully expect to still be on phase one.

Almost a month ago I wrote about the need for a Novel Blueprint; I was frustrated with my lack of success at just starting my book without having done much in the way of planning or research. Well, I’ve done some reading, made some notes, and I thought I was on track at getting this thing started. And then I made a mistake that I wonder if any real authors have; I went back and opened my folder of story ideas and false starts and read the whole lot.

While I did this, I realised that the story I was currently working on just wasn’t as good as I thought it was. It just didn’t capture me the way that one of my ideas that I had previously discarded did. And so I was left pondering, do I shelve this current project and return to my old premise, or do I forge ahead, with the constant buzzing in the back of my head that I’m writing the wrong story?

I wonder how established authors deal with having more than one story idea in their head at once. Do they write more than one book at once? Do they flip a coin to decide which to write first and then continue making notes for the other when thoughts occur to them? I wonder….

I figure that’s what I’ll do. I’m going to write the one story, and then if any ideas present themselves for the other, I’ll just add them to the growing notes. Then, hopefully when I’m finished book one (how long have I been trying to write a book now?) I’ll have amassed enough material to start book two right away. Yes, I live in a place of high hopes and few realised expectations.

I was talking to Carolyn the other day, and she pointed out the obvious; unless I stop talking about all these different ideas and just settle down and write one of them, I will never see this dream realised. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to just do that. I suppose I’ve never believed enough in myself or my ideas to sit down and write; or my ideas have not provided me with the inspiration to make writing fun, it just seems like a chore.

So I have finally made my decision. The story I’m going to write I will refer to under the working title of Song of the Seraphim. I’m not sure if that will be the final title. In fact, at this point I’m sure it won’t be, but I’ve always thought that would make a cool title, so I’m using it for now. I’m hoping as the process goes, I’ll find the true title.

In the meantime, so the work of the past has not been completely for not, I’m using some of the research I did for my previous idea in SotS. In fact, one of the reasons I abandoned SotS in the first place was that I couldn’t come up with a compelling villain. Well, my research for my previous story (Which was under the working title Ashdale) has provided me with one. So, that’s a big hole filled. I also liked the name of my main protagonist, so I’m going to use it in SotS, I’ll just have to find a new one if I ever decide to write Ashdale.

So, where to start? Well, I have some ideas plotted out for the start of the book, so that should hopefully get me underway. Then I think instead of trying to plot everything ahead of time, I’m going to let the story take me along, and show me where it wants to go. While planning ahead is a great pursuit, and probably works really well, right now it’s just something I’m using as an excuse to not get any real writing done.

I’ll update as I go along….

So I started my book a few days ago. Something happened around page 13, and it forced me to stop and give a bit more thought on how I was going to proceed. It wasn’t that my plot was going somewhere I hadn’t intended, it was that I realised I had no plot. See, what I had, and still have, was a concept. What I’m coming to realise is that in the past when I’ve started a project and never finished it, it wasn’t because the idea was bad, it wasn’t even that I am a terrible writer (though that does have an element to do with it) it has to do with the fact that I come up with concepts and not a story. What I’ve realised is that I can’t just fly all half cocked and expect that a novel will magically appear. So with that, I’ve started doing some research on novel blueprints.

Put simply, a novel blueprint is just that, a blueprint of your novel. It gives you a general sense of what will be accomplished, who is going to accomplish it, who your characters are, and what setting your story takes place in. This is the place for research notes, symbols and meanings that you want your tale to convey.

The good folks over at Writer’s Digest have some great articles. I found a really great, in-depth novel blueprint there. They also link to an example of a novel blueprint filled in, based on the novel I Am Legend. Seeing it laid out in such a straight forward way really made sense. It also made it clear how moving from major event to event still left lots of meat for the author to work on, but the blueprint meant that things stayed on track.

What I discovered on page 13 of my novel was that my main character was going somewhere I had never envisioned her, and that didn’t jive with what I had written on pages 1-12. It suddenly struck me that I had no idea who this girl was, let alone what was about to happen to her and how she was going to react. I figured out that if I continued on in the dark, my main character was just going to be Jekyll and Hyde and constantly transform based on my mood and the situation, which isn’t how people really are. I was going backwards, trying to find out who my character was by pushing her along, instead of creating a true story and plot and then plunking her down and seeing how she reacted.

I found another ten step novel blueprint over at Love Pride Prejudice. I think this one is pretty tongue in cheek, but there is some truth in humour and when you read this ten step novel blueprint you will undoubtedly see some of your favourite books laid out in front of you. However, that’s fun, but maybe not what you really need to get the book flying.

Admittedly this seems tedious. In some ways, I’ve known others who felt too much analysis killed anything that presented itself as art. On the other hand, a story, particularly something as grand as a novel, needs to stand up to some scrutiny. After all, writing in a genre invites serious critical thought and analysis because genre fans seem to feel compelled to do such things. If you can’t scrutinize your work from the get-go and ensure that there is some inner logic at work, then sooner or later, someone will. And when that day comes, you had better hope that either you built in the logic or just got lucky and plugged it in there. Cause otherwise you’re going to see no end of negative rippers on Amazon!

So, I’m going to be spending some time on my novel blueprint and character sheets. If I find a template that is really useful (and original to me) I’ll post it. In the meantime, if I find any other links of use I’ll pass them along.

God I feel like a failure. I’ve had two weeks off and I have virtually nothing to show for it.

I didn’t get the garage cleaned out. I didn’t get the kids’ swing set put together. I did start my book, but 13 pages in and I’m realising that maybe I’ve got it all wrong. I don’t think the tone is right. I don’t think I’m setting this up the way I want. But then, I suppose it’s good I’m realising this only 13 pages in instead of 300! And to top it all off, I’ve got a cold. I’m supposed to be going back to work tomorrow, but I’m a little concerned by this cough that I have. No worries though, I’m sure it isn’t swine flu

I don’t even get all of today to work around the house because we have to go to my inlaws for dinner. That’s about two hours spent on the road getting there and back, and probably a couple more hours actually there. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining about going. It’s fine. It’s just that it falls on my last day off. I think it would have been nicer to spend the day like that yesterday and then have all today to chill at home before returning to the rat race tomorrow. However, we did have a pretty good day yesterday.

We headed into Markham to a place called the Pacific mall. If you’re into Asian clothes, films, toys, food and just about anything else, this is the place to go. Now, really, it’s mostly Chinese, but there are some Japanese items as well. Basically it’s this huge hanger of a place with a bunch of small shops set along several aisles. We get all sorts of Kung Fu flicks there and the odd bit of anime related merchandise. My youngest son is a big fan of My Neighbour Totoro, so we’ve gotten him a few toys and such from there. Yesterday, we saw the cutest stuffed animal. It was only $8.95, so we couldn’t resist. It’s of a character named Kuromi, who is done by the same company that has Hello Kitty. Carolyn also found a camera store that is legit, but sells their stuff considerably cheaper than the retail outlets up here. So, I think we’ll be buying gear from them from now on. Every little bit helps!

Anyhow, I’m still working on the writing, but I think that instead of pushing ahead, I’m going to take a step back and blueprint and character bio a bit more. I’m thinking that the characters and locations are just too vague in my mind and that’s why it feels like I’m off course. In the end, it’s still driving towards the same goal, and it can only make the final product better.

Well, off to do a little around the house before we have to go out.