The Lousypoet

Which of course is the natural response when you live in our “pill for everything” kind of society. But is that really the answer?

So here’s the deal. I’m tired in ways that no amount of sleep seems to cure. I constantly feel distracted and find it very hard to settle into one task (for instance, I’ve thought of numerous blog posts to write and instead played Bejewelled Blitz on Facebook). My temper is quicker to flare, I raise my voice more often and I’m downright unhappy. Someone at work said maybe I was still grieving for my dad and just didn’t know it. Maybe. I do feel losing my dad plays a part, but not so much the grief. I think it just adds to this feeling of melancholy and disillusionment. For instance, I said to someone that I hoped there was no God, because if there was he was obviously an asshole that I had no desire to meet. I didn’t used to feel that way. I didn’t used to feel like life was a never ending challenge that had no end or reward. Yet, that’s exactly how I feel now. I get no true joy out of my life, and that I think is the biggest problem. And I realise that it is my problem. My kids have their challenges, but they’re kids. It’s not their job to make me happy (some days it feels like the exact opposite). Technically, it’s not even my wife’s job to make me happy. I need to find this for myself. But the worst part of how I feel right now is that I’m not sure I would make the effort. I am just so blase about everything and have zip in the way of motivation.

So do I need pills? It’s nice to think that there’s something wrong with my wiring and that a single happy pill each day would make me feel right as rain. But I think in the end the truth is that I need to eat better, get more sleep, exercise, and find some kind of hobby that acts as a stimulant and an outlet. I need to find some motivation and time….

Sorry. I’m just complaining. But it’s my blog, so I’ll cry if I want to

It’s been two months since I last posted here. Time really does fly when you’re having…. fun? Yes, I think time flies when you’re stressed, crashing from deadline to deadline, and generally feeling like life is spinning out of control. Fun has so very little to do with the flight of time.

Just as I haven’t graced this blog with words, nor have I written a single page of my book. In fact, I’m just mothballing this whole author thing. I so would like to be a writer, but desire is truly not enough. Along the line, you have to give yourself to a project to see it through to an end. I haven’t done that. I sit and waste my writing time playing Bejewelled on Facebook, or trolling the net’s myriad of movie websites. If I’m honest with myself, I have dreams, but neither the drive nor the talent to currently pursue them. I think if I was really honest with myself, I’d have a better shot at completing a kids’ book than a full blown novel. We’ll see what the new year brings.

So I’m fairly convince God hates me. I know, it’s a stretch of the ego to believe that the great divine has a personal vendetta, but the evidence just seems to keep piling up. Check this out, my car died on Christmas day!! Christmas day! So yesterday, we find out it’s going to cost $1200 plus to fix it. This car is old, and the bills just keep piling up. So, we make the best decision, it’s scrap. But I have to get a move on to decide on a new car cause our family needs two vehicles when Carolyn goes back to school, and all the incentive programs on right now are over come Saturday. So I decide I need to get out and check out cars last night, cause I haven’t car shopped in a decade! And guess what… White out, blizzards! Yup, even one of the dealers couldn’t argue when I said God hates me.

Speaking of cars, it’s an odd thing now. I remember when I last purchased a car, you could add various features and leave others out. Now, it seems like an all or nothing scenario. It’s like, you can have the package where everything is manual, or the option where everything is automatic, there is air, a USB port for your MP3 player, oh, and while we’re at it, let’s throw in heated seats! Now, cars have evidently gone down in price, cause 10 years ago, all those options were only available on a vehicle that would cost you $30,000 or more! Now, it’s all there on baseline models! It’s a little scary. Truth be told, carrying car payments is going to be scary. On most days, we just get by. Which will mean me pimping myself out for overtime as much as they call, which will make me tired, grumpy, and probably create some mean hate for my workplace. But, if it means we get some wheels we can count on, I suppose that’s what we’ll have to do. The boys’ pediatrician is in Brampton, an hour or so away, and so is a large portion of our family. We need something safe, and we need something with a warranty! Right now, I’m leaning towards a Kia Rio. It looks reasonable, and the warranty they have smokes everyone else. I think I might take it out for a test drive today. We’ll see how the day progresses.

So I’ve been off my diet since September. Initially, when my dad died, I just couldn’t help myself. I’ve found out that I am an emotional eater, and losing my dad was just too much for my will power. But now, it’s habit, and I’ve gone up 10 pounds. I’m starting to have the same issues as when I first started the diet, so I need to get back on track. This year, I am getting to my target of 195 and doing some exercise! I need to be healthy and strong, if only so I can keep up with my kids!

The year’s end quickly approaches. I will not miss 2009. As much as it brought opportunities, it kicked us in the balls twice as much just to keep us a notch beneath grounded. I knew when the year started with me in the hospital getting my appendix out that it wasn’t a good sign, and I was right. Hopefully, 2010 will bring more joy than 2009 managed. This is a year of new starts, of closing old chapters and starting new stories. Already, I see it won’t be easy, but it is doable. I really hope to be here more often, maybe even do something interesting that someone might want to read. Until then, a very Happy New Year, and all the best for 2010.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been here. It feels like I’ve been moving so fast, that I don’t even know how much time has gone by. I suppose it’s a good thing that the entries are dated. From that little bit of info, it would be 27 days since I last logged in and wrote anything.

Truth be told, that’s probably the last time I wrote anything of my novel. I was stuck for the longest time. Then, in a matter of days, I wrote a chapter that I felt was the best so far, but it also meant that significant changes would have to be made to the opening. I don’t think that has me crushed. I mean, I always knew I would have to go back and rewrite those sections, and what it did to the story makes it more… compelling? It’s just now I’m stuck again, and moving at the speed I am, I can’t get my head wrapped around it. When I get the time I could be devoting to the book, I instead sit and waste my life playing Bejewelled Blitz on Facebook. Every day I feel more like a loser.

Carolyn is working so hard at school, and some of the stuff she has produced has been amazing. But it seems every day the stress of it threatens to swallow her whole. It’s hard returning to that kind of life after so long. But at the same time, I am so proud of what she has accomplished and how far she has come. If we can just get through this term and the 3 that follow it, I have a strong feeling that this is going to open some incredible doors. Which is probably why I feel the way I do. I’m watching her fulfill what seems like her destiny. It seems all I can do is stall mine. And the worst part of that is it is entirely my fault. I do have time, I could be doing something more, but I just don’t.

Imagine my disappointment that Anne Rice has a new series entitled “Songs of the Seraphim.” I have been sitting on that title for so damn long. I knew it would be good. And now I see it in print. Don’t worry Ms Rice, I know you don’t know me and that my insignificant blog would have never come to your attention. No law suit worries here… Still, disappointed. I’ll have to come up with something entirely different. Ironically, the first book in the series, entitled Angel Time, sounds pretty cool. I might actually read it.

Which brings me to the horror that if I don’t move on this story, how long will it be until someone else uses ideas that will render my story as being a knock-off. Every day I wait is each day my ideas become stale and that some existing author is going to use similar ideas. Problem being, I just don’t feel good enough to write this. I have vague notions of how I want the story to be, but I really lack the training to make it happen. I’ve looked to see if there’s any workshops in my area, but I can’t really find anything. Not that it matters, I wouldn’t have the money for it.

I lost my dad to cancer almost two months ago. God, that’s a weird thing to type. At the time, I had no idea what to say. I thought a million times about writing about it here; writing about him. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It took me nearly a week to finally cry, and I think the tears have only come once more since then. Sometimes I feel horrible, like this should be killing me every day, but then how would I take care of my family that needs me. It hurts most when something happens and I realise he’s not there to talk to. Like sitting here right now, writing this, I feel like there’s million conversations I’d like to have with him, and I can feel the tears welling behind my eyes. I’ve never been one to believe in ghosts, or visitations from beyond the grave. But a part of me continues to hope I’ll see him. And I keep hoping that when that happens he’ll have some insight into my life that I’ve failed to notice. Yup, here come the tears… I’m not going to write a eulogy here. I wouldn’t feel like anything I wrote came close to encompassing my emotions or thoughts. All I’m going to say is that I loved him and I wish he were here. I suppose that’s enough.

Shit, I don’t know where that came from. I just feel like I’m unloading a bit. I don’t know where I’m going. I feel like my wheels are spinning and I’m driving without a destination.

So many ghosts haunt me. Not the literal kind, but, well, the deeds, the thoughts, those things you hope will die with time but never do. Sometimes their weight is crushing. Sometimes I think I won’t make it. But every morning I get up and do what I can to get through the day with my sanity and family intact. Why do we sin the way we do? Are we worthy of redemption? If an angel stood before me now and said I had a purpose, and that all of this was for good reason, just what would I say to him? Thank you… probably. Just for the comfort that it all means something.

Sorry for this post. It’s all over the place, and none of those places are much fun. But I do feel better. I suppose I should come here more often. It is my space after all. Besides, it’s not like anyone even reads this stuff. But if you happen to be the one in 6 billion who does, thanks. I hope I haven’t bored you to tears.

Wow, I am in a funk; and not the “play that funky music white boy” kind of way.

I just wrote two pages of Song of the Seraphim. I have 30 pages now, approximately 8,500 words. What fills me with optimism is that I still have more scenes to write; this is typically the point where my idea loses steam and I ask too many questions about the strength of my story and eventually give up. This time, I still feel that the story is strong, but I’m wondering what I’m really trying to say, or if this is just a tale for the sake of a tale. It just seems to me that this story is writing itself as I go, which is good and bad at all the same time. It’s good, because the easier the ideas flow, the better I believe the end result will be. Bad, because I know that this is going to result in endless re-writes if I ever finish the thing, becuase the end of the journey is outside of my reach.

Last night, I felt like the veil was lifting, and there was a sense of inspiration that I yearned to follow. So what did I do? I fell asleep. Yeah, seriously, I fell asleep. I’m such a loser sometimes. This kind of feeling occurs every now and then; I went into more detail in a post I wrote in October of 2008.

Tonight I feel listless, anxious, but at the same time trying to motivate myself is damn near impossible. With ideas that would carry me at least another 10,000 words onward, I should be hammering away, but it’s really not flowing tonight. I’m hoping tomorrow will be a bit better.

In the meantime, all the best in what you do. Sleep well tonight world.

since I wrote a single word here, I have to confess that in some ways I’ve been content to let this blog die a slow, and possibly even painful, death. Truth be told, I’m boring. I have no talent with which to focus this blog, thereby drawing an audience, and maybe thereby driving at least a somewhat interesting narrative. Truthfully, I have pondered more times the nature and purpose of this blog than I have the meaning of human existence.

In many ways this is probably due to my overall lack of enthusiasm for how this blog looks. Yes, the black looked all foreboding and emo back when I designed this thing, but really, it just feels drab to me now. It says nothing, which I suppose given the airy-fairy nature of this blog is probably appropriate.

But I’ve been giving a hell of a lot of thought to my life now-a-days. Maybe it’s because I’m on the cusp of my 35th birthday, or maybe because I often find myself with some chest discomfort that has me just a little concerned about my overall health. Based on the health websites, I’m at least 50-70 lbs overweight and the extra poundage is probably hindering the efficiency of my asthma meds, meaning that I get winded far easier than I used to. I also find that I’m low in energy and motivation.

So I’m trying to combat all this. I’ve started taking vitamins. Carolyn and I are going on a diet to try and lose weight together. And I’m finally settling down and writing. I have a story. Well, maybe not a story entirely. Right now I have a town, and odd events that are occurring. I have a main character who harbours a secret…. a secret I know. She’s not the only one who isn’t what she appears to be, and I know most of those people too. I’ve found a town that I’m using as a blueprint for street layouts and the locations of certain landmarks (school, parks, etc…) I’ve typed maybe four paragraphs, but what I’ve decided is that to start, I’m going to write the parts I know, and then fill in the blanks as I go. This way, I work towards things, and the ideas I already have won’t be lost bouncing around in the cavernous expanse of my head.

So maybe this blog will be my journey. What I do to try and stay healthy, lose some weight, and finally fulfill my dream of being a writer. I’m off for the next 2 weeks. A large portion of that is going to dedicated to cleaning my garage and setting up a swing set for my kids in the back yard. But in the off time, I’m going to redesign this site, so maybe I can feel more excited about it. I’m also going to sit down and start my story.

I’ve also decided that I’m not going to write anymore sponsored posts. I’m tired of pimping this blog and myself for the sake of $5 every two weeks. I’ll leave the Google Adwords. What the hell, it can’t hurt. Maybe one day I’ll have enough interesting content that there might actually be something that will entice people to click on a link or two. Oh, I’m also axing the Word of the Day. It’s just a damned crutch that allows me to be lazy and not post anything original here while all the while I strut about because my “blog” has something new posted every day. What a crock.

So it starts now. My life turns on this dime. Updates to follow….

So I finally broke down and purchased a copy of Artful Blogging. My impressions of this magazine I will save for another day, but let me say that it has inspired me! I realise now that in truth, this has rarely been a blog. In essence, this is a website that I have often packed with filler in order to keep the appearance of activity. Let’s face it, the Word of the Day only exists for the purpose of making it easy to post every day. It is fluff. A mass of insubstantial, space filling, fluff. I realise in reading the testimonials of these talented bloggers, that I have never given myself to blogging in the truest sense. I have been here to fill space with mindless drivel that is available just about anywhere on the net.

You see, the problem here is simple when you tear down the wizard’s curtain… I don’t know who I am.

This site initially existed as a static website where I posted prose as I completed it. This meant that the site’s content changed only marginally over large amounts of time. So I decided to hop on the blogging bandwagon and change the site into a blog. Only I never truly considered what my blog would be about. While I wanted to be a writer, my content was neither copious enough, or of sufficient quality, to be the sole basis for a blog. While I enjoy reading and watching films and anime, I don’t love, nor analyse them, enough to create a truly interesting blog based on them either.

I apologise if this sounds as though I am merely whining or trying to be a narcissist, but really this site is about who I want to be on the net.

We are receiving a decent tax return this year, and I’ve asked my wife if I can use a small portion to buy myself a digital point and shoot camera. I have a desire to get out there and take pics, and then write something that is fitting to the image. That is what I want to do. Perhaps I will also indulge some time with Carolyn’s latest fascination, Copic markers. These things are wicked cool, and she’s going to a course to learn all their inner workings at the end of March. We’ll see where that leads.

I guess what I want to do is get my hands dirty. Get out into the world and make something real. Stop pondering the what ifs and the maybe I shoulds and just do something. Naturally, that is going to require some changes.

While I enjoy the current layout of the Lousy Poet, I need the content area to be wider, and I can’t help but feel that the site is a little too dark in colour for what I envision. I think what I will do is get to work on a new layout and when I get my camera, start doing some work. When I have a few things put together (at least enough to call a decent start) I will officially relaunch the site.

Now I only have to decide if I keep the fluff or if I should just let it all go and stick with real, meaningful content. Just to be on the safe side, I’ll probably stick with both;)

Until the sky falls,

Rob

So I was picking up the kids from school today and noticed a kid who was probably in grade 6 or 7 wearing a Kurt Cobain tshirt. I couldn’t help but wonder just what he was doing wearing that shirt when he wasn’t even alive when Kurt pulled the trigger. Then it suddenly occurred to me that this was exactly how adults had reacted when as kids we had worn tshirts featuring John Lennon or Jim Morrison. Funny, I’ve become an old codger….

…my appendix. I woke up at 3am on Wednesday morning with extreme abdomen pain, and after 2 hours of it not getting any better, I thought it best to take a trip into the hospital. Sure enough, my appendix was inflamed and had to be removed. I got home last night, just in time to post a Word of the Day, so I only missed one day. I was really hoping to go a longer stint without missing a day, but I suppose needing surgery is as good an excuse as any to miss a day. Props out to the nurses and doctors at Royal Vic Hospital. Great people who provided me with great care.

So the New Year has come. It’s time to wipe the boards clean of 2008 and get used to writing 2009. I can only hope that this year will be better than the last. 2008 was a hard year for a lot of people U know. While it had its victories, they were few and far between the challenges. With the world officially in a global recession as we enter 2009, one has to wonder just what this year has in store.

For myself, it’s looking like 2009 has some hopefulness in it. I just found out two nights ago at work that it looks like our union has negotiated a contract, so we won’t be going on strike in March. That’s a huge weight off my shoulders as being the only income in the family, it would have been impossible for us to keep our mortgage and heat and food on strike pay. So that’s one thing that would’ve made this year rough down. Carolyn is also looking to going to school for photography, which I am excited about for her. She’s already got natural talent, I can’t wait to see what she’ll do with some guidance! Not to mention that it could develop into a career for her, which would help our bottom line immensely.

It’s typical to sit and take a look back at the previous year, and try and put it into perspective. This past year I had some goals. I really didn’t achieve too many of my personal growth goals, but my family as a whole has progressed considerably. Both my boys are doing better. There’s far less fighting in the house than there used to be, which has improved the general atmosphere ten-fold. In September, my youngest started school, which actually gave Carolyn and I a few days to do things as a couple, something we really hadn’t done in a very long time. While our house flooded in February, forcing us out for almost two whole months, the renovations have certainly improved the place. We also had a thunderstruck of an idea and moved our kitchen table into the living/dining room area, thereby allowing us more room to sit at the table and eat as a family. Until that point, we had the boys sitting on two bar stools at the counter and Carolyn and I would just eat wherever. You might not think this is such a big thing, but being able to sit together as a family around the table just made me feel so much more positive about our home. I guess it’s really the little things that count. Maybe that or I was just happy that we were finally making use of a $650 table set

We had found out in late 2007 that my Dad had lung cancer. 2008 saw him truly begin treatment for it. In the early days of 2008 he had an operation to try and remove the tumour. But then the crushing news that not only had they not gotten all of it, but there appeared to be another tumour in the other lung. He started Chemo in September, and in the past two months we got the news that the tumour appears to be shrinking. While we keep a realistic view of the disease, it felt like a victory none the less.

So maybe 2008 wasn’t as horrible as all that. I know globally it could have been better. I know for many families it may have been the worst year they could imagine. But I suppose when you view the world with that large a lens you can always say such things.

I looked back at the first post I did in 2008. It was about changing the site design. Which was actually the layout before this one, meaning I didn’t even go a year with the same site design. Who am I kidding? I shouldn’t be the least bit surprised, this design probably won’t last past the middle of the year! Web design is just one of those hobbies I enjoy too much to leave alone for too long. It was also that same day that I added the Now Reading plug-in to the site. It says I’ve read 27 books in the past year. So just a little over 2 a month. I’d like to see that increase, but we’ll just have to see how the year pans out.

So what about 2009? What does it hold for The Lousy Poet? Well, I hesitate to make any grand statements because every time I do on this site, few if any ever happen. I mean, how long has it been since I posted a Blog of the Day or a Literary Quote of the Day? I guess I just got tired of having things that seemed like stop gap posts. Honestly, I like the Word of the Day. I find many very interesting, and I really do think sometimes that I would like to use them in my writing. But let’s face it, for the most part they exist so I can have something new posted on the site every day. I guess really for 2009 all I want to do is have some decent content that will bring visitors to the site. What will that content be? Well, I hope to write more, but I’m going to focus on poetry. I know I’ve always said I want to write a novel, but I’m really just not at that point. I need to work on expressing myself in words, and I think poetry will help me do that. I’d like to feature different poetry styles, and challenge myself to write in those styles. I want to do some visual artwork. I actually have a project in mind that would unite the two (poetry and visual art) but I don’t want to say too much in case it doesn’t happen. Once again, fooling myself, because I make it sound like something might prevent other than my own laziness.

In the end, I just want to make this site something more than Word of the Day and sponsored posts. I know I will probably never grow my page rank while I do sponsored posts, but they have paid for some things, so they will continue. But with a garbage page rank, they’ll be few and far between. I want more articles like this one. Long, heart felt, original. Is it interesting? Probably not if you don’t know me, which I don’t think anyone who comes here does since I don’t publicise the existence of this blog to people who know me.

So Happy New Year everyone. I hope that the challenges that 2008 gave will turn to opportunities in 2009. I hope the hate and violence becomes hope and peace. All the best in health and wealth to you and yours. Happy New Year.

I want my family to be healthy and happy,
I want my family to feel secure
I want my son to speak
I want my kids to sleep the entire night in their bed
I want my wife to have a career that she is happy and proud of
I want to not have to worry about how every last penny is spent
I want to not be struggling to buy groceries with a week still to go until I get paid
I want to do something creative that makes me feel fulfilled
I want the pain to stop
I want to feel relieved
I want to go on Caribbean cruises
I want to wake up feeling refreshed and looking forward to my day
I want my house to feel like a home
In combination with the above, I want all the boxes unpacked, the furniture in place, and the garage cleaned out

And that’s just the start…