The Lousypoet

Which of course is the natural response when you live in our “pill for everything” kind of society. But is that really the answer?

So here’s the deal. I’m tired in ways that no amount of sleep seems to cure. I constantly feel distracted and find it very hard to settle into one task (for instance, I’ve thought of numerous blog posts to write and instead played Bejewelled Blitz on Facebook). My temper is quicker to flare, I raise my voice more often and I’m downright unhappy. Someone at work said maybe I was still grieving for my dad and just didn’t know it. Maybe. I do feel losing my dad plays a part, but not so much the grief. I think it just adds to this feeling of melancholy and disillusionment. For instance, I said to someone that I hoped there was no God, because if there was he was obviously an asshole that I had no desire to meet. I didn’t used to feel that way. I didn’t used to feel like life was a never ending challenge that had no end or reward. Yet, that’s exactly how I feel now. I get no true joy out of my life, and that I think is the biggest problem. And I realise that it is my problem. My kids have their challenges, but they’re kids. It’s not their job to make me happy (some days it feels like the exact opposite). Technically, it’s not even my wife’s job to make me happy. I need to find this for myself. But the worst part of how I feel right now is that I’m not sure I would make the effort. I am just so blase about everything and have zip in the way of motivation.

So do I need pills? It’s nice to think that there’s something wrong with my wiring and that a single happy pill each day would make me feel right as rain. But I think in the end the truth is that I need to eat better, get more sleep, exercise, and find some kind of hobby that acts as a stimulant and an outlet. I need to find some motivation and time….

Sorry. I’m just complaining. But it’s my blog, so I’ll cry if I want to